Have you ever found yourself having an argument with someone else in your head?
Recently, my team was discussing how to stop those arguments. Many said that they were bad, toxic and that they should be stopped by simply going to the other person and having a conversation.
I disagree.
Those scenarios that play out in your head are there to tell you something.
They let you know that “hey, something is wrong.” If you listen closely, they tell you why you are angry and how you would like the situation to be resolved.
For those of us who have been in abusive situations, it is difficult to know what you are feeling. It is also difficult to communicate your thoughts as they are dismissed and cause further problems. This encourages you to ignore or feel guilty for having feelings in the first place.
For you especially, judging these arguments only does more damage to yourself and the relationship with the other person.
Let the argument play out and seek to understand what made you upset about this situation. Do this by asking yourself the following questions:
- Why am I responding the way I am? What is this really about? Be curious. It’s okay if this takes a while. The more you do it, the easier it is to answer this question.
- What do I want to happen in this situation?
- Do not consider what is possible. Only consider “In a perfect world, what do I want to happen?”
Act based on that. Seriously. It is possible.
I have found that by asking myself “What do I want to happen” in situations like these, I end up creating a life that I love.
Many thoughtful small decisions equal a life I am happy to live.
Knowing what you want to happen and acting in that manner helps to alleviate the arguments with yourself permanently because the core issue is resolved.
If you decide that you need to address the person directly, it is important to consider the character and previous interactions of that person.
For instance, if I am “arguing” with my boss in my head and know this person is either hostile or just hasn’t listened any other time I’ve voiced a concern, then maybe I make a different decision.
Here are some examples:
Example 1. This person has a history of actively listening to my concerns and responding positively to them.
I am having an argument in my head with my boss.
I sit with it to see what made me feel angry or hurt about this situation. I will either write it down or say this aloud in an empty room or in an empty car. I find talking aloud helps me to better hear and understand what I’m thinking.
Once I’ve discovered what the issue is, I ask myself. What do I want to happen right now?
In this instance, my boss has a history of listening to my concerns and responding positively to them.
This is important.
I have decided that I want the relationship to continue, and that issue can possibly be resolved with a conversation. I now need to decide how and when is the best time to initiate this conversation.
Sometimes, they will initiate the conversation for you. If that happens, you will be ready to share your point of view in a positive manner.
I have found that when I have completed this exercise first, the conversation I have later is much more effective. I am able to clearly and calmly communicate my needs. I am also able to listen to what their response is without defense.
Example 2. This person has a history of not responding positively to my concerns.
I am having an argument in my head with my boss.
I sit with it to see what made me feel angry or hurt about this situation. I will either write it down or say this aloud in an empty room or in an empty car. I find talking aloud helps me to better hear and understand what I’m thinking.
Once I’ve discovered what the issue is, I ask myself. What do I want to happen right now?
I uncover that I am reluctant to speak to my boss due to their history of seemingly hearing my concerns but not positively responding to them. In this situation, my boss has a history of either gossiping to others about my concern or making promises of change but never acting on what they say they will do.
So, I’m not only angry about the situation that occurred but also that the concerns I have raised are never treated seriously.
That is valid.
If someone has not taken your previous concerns seriously, it is understandable to be reluctant to communicate with them now.
Knowing this, what do I want to happen right now?
- Maybe I decide to discuss this with my boss anyway. What would I like the outcome of this conversation to be?
- Maybe I decide that this issue cannot be resolved and isn’t worth saving the relationship for. What are my options for changing jobs?
- Are there any other options that I haven’t considered?
Do you see how much we uncovered by simply listening to ourselves? Do you see how we took the time to address our own needs instead of shutting them down?
If we had shut down the initial thought and said “this is toxic I cannot do this,” we would have missed an opportunity to understand what our true needs are and the ability to accurately communicate them in a calm manner. We also would have risked acting in a way that we truly did not want and further frustrating the issue.
Arguments in your head are not bad. Your emotions are not bad. They are there to help you understand that something has gone wrong and offer you the chance to resolve it. By listening to these feelings, you will uncover why you are upset and what will resolve the situation for you.
I have found that by asking myself “What do I want to happen” in situations like these, I end up creating a life that I love because I have taken the time to truly understand what is important to me.
What do you think? How has using this method helped you?
If you find this post useful, subscribe to our email list to join our community. We share practical ways to help you live the life you want to live. Plus, you will be the first to know about our monthly products.
A Thought's Journey 